GILDINGSCALE THE UNEMPLOYED GOLD DRAGON WHO LAIRS WITH HIS MOTHER SAYS, “UGH, BEDHEAD AGAIN. I SWEAR, SHE LEAVES HER TREASURE EVERYWHERE.”
DESIGNING ANOTHER GODDAMN EPICNESS-LEVEL ADVENTURE:
For my campaign’s two PCs (a bard and an earth elementalist, the latter from the good ‘ol 2E Tome of Magic), and their growing small army of henchmen and followers. Make that the BARD’s growing small army of henchmen and followers (and, soon, groupies), because the wizard has just enough charisma to make a scene of himself while conducting everyday transactions.
Anyway, what’s the adventure’s hook/goal/point? As the PCs understand it (and they understand very little about what they’re getting into), they are tracking a long-vanished archwizard (also an earth elementalist, albeit a much more powerful one than the PC elementalist), using only a crude map, a few pages of centuries-old cryptic notes, and a lot of wildassed determination to get themselves into trouble. The map and notes were penned by the archwizard in question. Their directions indicate a general area within a large desert in the center of the continent. The map’s directions indicate someplace that the PCs know only as an abstract location about which they know nothing concrete. In other words, I have convinced them to pursue a faint thread several hundred miles into a desert without knowing what exactly they are looking for or where they can find it, while toting a number of lower-level henchlings and an apprentice and other hangers-on who mostly lack desert survival skills, their hope-glands swollen by the possibility of a massive treasure and magic payday in the end.
So I am saddled with the task of building up this adventure from little more than a rikcety framework of plot hooks and vague in-game associations and my own knowledge of my campaign world’s history. I get to design a city and a monastery from the ground up also!
DARDROTH THE MINE BOSS OGRE WITH A RELATIVELY USELESS POSTCOLONIAL STUDIES PH.D. FROM COLUMBIA SAYS, “CRICKET? HMM. NOW LET ME THINK. WHY, NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I’VE NEVER HEARD OF IT. TELL ME, PROSPECTOR DWARVES, HOW DO YOU PLAY THIS CRICKET? DOES IT REQUIRE A DECAPITATED HEAD OR ANY KIND OF SEVERE BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA ON THE PART OF PARTICIPANTS? BECAUSE WHERE I COME FROM, THOSE ARE THE KIND OF GAMES WE PLAY.”
OTHERS ARE UP AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR. THOSE OF US WHO WILL BE UP ALL NIGHT COMMEND YOU.
BEARDED CAPITALIST WIZARD SAYS, “NO, DON’T TOUCH HIM. I HAVE DIBS ON HIS PARTS, PER CONTRACT. GO FIND YOUR OWN ADVENTURING PARTNER TO WATCH DIE AND LAY CLAIM TO.”
UTTERLY USELESS D&D TABLE OF THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT: CONTROLLING THE WEIR. (weir, n. 1. A dam built across a river to regulate the flow of water, divert it, or change its level. 2. A fence placed in a stream to catch fish.) WEIR IN THIS SENSE HAVING SOMETHING TO DO WITH REGULATING A STREAM OF TIME, WHICH IS TRULY AN AWFUL PLACE TO GO AS A DM, BACK AND FORTH THROUGH TIME. WHY WOULD ANY DM TORTURE HERSELF BY ALLOWING PCs TO TIME TRAVEL? FUCK TIME TRAVEL, IT’S TOO COMPLICATED AND YOU’LL JUST END UP ANNOYED AT THE WHOLE ORDEAL.
APPARENTLY THIS IS A THING IN BAHRAIN, AT A PLACE CALLED TABASCO CHARLIE’S: THE “MISS POOMPOOY” (“MISS FAT,” IN THAI) BEAUTY CONTEST. WHO HAS THE HOTTEST FAT THAI CHICK? I CAN’T REALLY TELL IF THIS HAS MORE TO DO WITH THE MASSIVE U.S. NAVAL BASE IN MANAMA THAN WITH THE LOCALS. PROBABLY THE FORMER. IT’S SO WEIRD, THE SHIT YOU COME ACROSS ON YOUTUBE SOMETIMES. I ALSO LIKE HOW TRANSLATORS ARE REQUIRED.
ASSISTANT TO THE CHIEF INQUISITOR GRIMBONES THE DREADED SAYS, “I’LL JUST STASH MY THIN MINTS IN HERE…NO ONE WOULD THINK TO LOOK IN THE WALL NICHE, ESPECIALLY THE CHIEF INQUISITOR. ALWAYS STEALING MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES, THE BASTARD.”
LIZARD KING OF JAWBREAKER MOUNTAIN SAYS, “SURE, OTHER KINGS HAVE GOT MOUNTAINS OF SKULLS, FANCY MINK ROBES, CROWNS WITH MANYHEADED MONSTERS ON THEM, ETCETERA, ETCETERA. BUT ONLY ONE KING HAS THE BIGGEST JAWBREAKERS IN ALL THE WORLD. ONLY I, LIZARD KING, HAVE THE BIGGEST JAWBREAKERS! BWA HA HA HA!”
LISTENING TO NEW, UNREVIEWED METAL IS SUCH A TORTUOUS TASK. WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THE ABOVE? IT SOUNDS LIKE IT LOOKS: AWFUL. AND THE PRESS MATERIALS ARE FULL OF PHOTOS OF THE FEMALE SINGER, AS IF SHE’S THE MAIN SELLING POINT OF THE BAND.
New Orphaned Land album, All Is One, drops June 25th in the United States. I’ll have a review on metalinjection.net.
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In general, to govern the state and order the army, you must instruct them with the forms of propriety, stimulate them with righteousness, and cause them to have a sense of shame. For when men have a sense of shame, in the greatest degree it will be sufficient to wage war, while in the least degree it will suffice to preserve the state.Wu-Tzu
Freelance writer and editor. Type I Diabetic. D&D gamer, Dungeon Master 15+ years. Introvert. Married. Absurd.
WHAT DO I POST?
MOSTLY: Dungeons and Dragons, heavy metal music, cats, and statements or questions that make little sense.
ON OCCASION: Nude or almost nude ladies (i.e. B-movie actresses, pinup models, etc.) who I think are beautiful and should be admired as such, personal anecdotes, and complaints.
ALMOST NEVER: Pics of myself, my wife, or my daughter. Although my cats do appear way too often.
NOTE: Most of the art (especially fantasy art) that I post is not mine. I add captions and other written nonsense to fantasy art in the interest of humor. Usually I do not cite sources. If your art appears here and you wish to be credited as the maker, please let me know.
FURTHER DISCLAIMER: You may see shit here that you dislike. If that's the case, don't look at it. I do not traffic in anonymous discourse with anyone. Face me as you are, and I shall do the same. This is a NO-DRAMA zone. I have more than enough drama to deal with every day in real life; I won't tolerate it here. This is a place for laughter, entertainment, and free expression of ideas and opinions, yours and mine alike.
I accept submissions. What kind? Submit something and see if I post it.
WHAT DO I POST?
MOSTLY: Dungeons and Dragons, heavy metal music, cats, and statements or questions that make little sense.
ON OCCASION: Nude or almost nude ladies (i.e. B-movie actresses, pinup models, etc.) who I think are beautiful and should be admired as such, personal anecdotes, and complaints.
ALMOST NEVER: Pics of myself, my wife, or my daughter. Although my cats do appear way too often.
NOTE: Most of the art (especially fantasy art) that I post is not mine. I add captions and other written nonsense to fantasy art in the interest of humor. Usually I do not cite sources. If your art appears here and you wish to be credited as the maker, please let me know.
FURTHER DISCLAIMER: You may see shit here that you dislike. If that's the case, don't look at it. I do not traffic in anonymous discourse with anyone. Face me as you are, and I shall do the same. This is a NO-DRAMA zone. I have more than enough drama to deal with every day in real life; I won't tolerate it here. This is a place for laughter, entertainment, and free expression of ideas and opinions, yours and mine alike.
I accept submissions. What kind? Submit something and see if I post it.