QUESTIONS ABOUT THE DUNGEON MASTER LIFE? INEFFECTIVE HABITS OF GAME MASTERY? MONSTER BREEDING HABITS? I’LL BE UP TILL FOUR.

DUNGEON MASTERS! DO YOU PUT OFF PREPARING FOR GAMING SESSIONS? ARE YOU ALWAYS RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS A WEEK BEFOREHAND AND YOU’RE BUSY WITH LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP DRAMA AND SHIT SO YOU NEVER GET AROUND TO WORKING ON THOSE ENCOUNTERS YOU NEED FOR SATURDAY NIGHT’S SESSION? DO YOU NEED A MONSTER IN A HURRY?
WELL NOW THERE’S PIRAHNA BATS!!! NEVER BE WITHOUT A MONSTER AGAIN!

DUNGEON MASTERS! DO YOU PUT OFF PREPARING FOR GAMING SESSIONS? ARE YOU ALWAYS RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS A WEEK BEFOREHAND AND YOU’RE BUSY WITH LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP DRAMA AND SHIT SO YOU NEVER GET AROUND TO WORKING ON THOSE ENCOUNTERS YOU NEED FOR SATURDAY NIGHT’S SESSION? DO YOU NEED A MONSTER IN A HURRY?

WELL NOW THERE’S PIRAHNA BATS!!! NEVER BE WITHOUT A MONSTER AGAIN!

[FROM MY CAMPAIGN] WHAT BANITES DO WHEN THEY HAVE TO LIVE IN THE WOODS.
1. THEIR SOLDIER LACKEYS
2. BY MANTRAPS, THEY MEAN KILLING TRAPS
3. IF YOU’RE AN OFFICER OR A PRIEST OF BANE
4. USUALLY FALSE
5. THIS TELLS YOU WHERE THE LATRINES ARE
6. WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO ENCOUNTER ORCS ON THE WAY TO THE LATRINE?
7. OF COURSE YOU’D SEE THESE CARVED IN LIKE EVERY FOURTH TREE AND ILLUSTRATED IN CHARCOAL AND BLOOD ON LARGE FLAT ROCKS
8. ONE TIME, THIS WAS YEARS AGO, MY PLAYERS’ CHARACTERS ENTERED (WITHOUT ANNOUNCING THEMSELVES) A BANITE PRIEST’S ROOM IN A CITY IN ORDER TO BARGAIN FOR SOME INFORMATION, AND I PANTOMIMED HOW THE BANITE CLERGYMAN WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF BUTTING HIS TWELVE-YEAR-OLD “CHATTEL” BOY. THE PLAYERS (AND THEREFORE THEIR CHARACTERS) ERUPTED WITH LAUGHTER. THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME ANYONE’S EVER MANAGED TO EMBARASS A BANITE IN MY GAME.

[FROM MY CAMPAIGN] WHAT BANITES DO WHEN THEY HAVE TO LIVE IN THE WOODS.

1. THEIR SOLDIER LACKEYS

2. BY MANTRAPS, THEY MEAN KILLING TRAPS

3. IF YOU’RE AN OFFICER OR A PRIEST OF BANE

4. USUALLY FALSE

5. THIS TELLS YOU WHERE THE LATRINES ARE

6. WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO ENCOUNTER ORCS ON THE WAY TO THE LATRINE?

7. OF COURSE YOU’D SEE THESE CARVED IN LIKE EVERY FOURTH TREE AND ILLUSTRATED IN CHARCOAL AND BLOOD ON LARGE FLAT ROCKS

8. ONE TIME, THIS WAS YEARS AGO, MY PLAYERS’ CHARACTERS ENTERED (WITHOUT ANNOUNCING THEMSELVES) A BANITE PRIEST’S ROOM IN A CITY IN ORDER TO BARGAIN FOR SOME INFORMATION, AND I PANTOMIMED HOW THE BANITE CLERGYMAN WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF BUTTING HIS TWELVE-YEAR-OLD “CHATTEL” BOY. THE PLAYERS (AND THEREFORE THEIR CHARACTERS) ERUPTED WITH LAUGHTER. THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME ANYONE’S EVER MANAGED TO EMBARASS A BANITE IN MY GAME.

NPC IDEA FROM MY STACK OF NPC 4”x6” INDEX CARDS:

"CROSS-DRESSING ASSASSIN"

A VETERAN OF MANY CAMPAIGNS; HAS BEEN OVERLOOKED [for promotion?] TIME AND AGAIN; NOW A BRUTAL THUG, HURTING.

PRONE TO GIGGLING OUTBURSTS; HOARDS TWINE, THREAD, ROPE.

THIS HAPPENS TO BE MY LAST FREE SATURDAY NIGHT BEFORE CLASS STARTS. I PLAN TO MAKE THE LEAST OF IT.

SIR JERRIHELM THE CREPITUDINOUS SAYS, “M’LADY LOOSEGIRDLE, LO! BEHOLD WHERE I HAVE AFFIXED YON NAUGHTY CAMEO OF THYSELF IN THE FULL AND EVER SINFUL, SO THAT I MAY GAZE UPON THINE SCULTPED BREAST AND FURRY LADYSNATCH AMIDST THE GLORY OF BATTLE.”

SIR JERRIHELM THE CREPITUDINOUS SAYS, “M’LADY LOOSEGIRDLE, LO! BEHOLD WHERE I HAVE AFFIXED YON NAUGHTY CAMEO OF THYSELF IN THE FULL AND EVER SINFUL, SO THAT I MAY GAZE UPON THINE SCULTPED BREAST AND FURRY LADYSNATCH AMIDST THE GLORY OF BATTLE.”

DEAD PLAYER CHARACTER SAYS, “I’M KILLED! OH, THIS SUCKS HAVING A DAGGER STANDING UP IN MY CHEST. I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT BASTARD LORD BUSHWHACKER TWIDDLESTACHE THE UNLIKEABLE DID THIS TO MEEEEEEEE. AND THE BACKS OF ALL HIS DINING ROOM CHAIRS LOOK LIKE DICKS AND BALLS.”

DEAD PLAYER CHARACTER SAYS, “I’M KILLED! OH, THIS SUCKS HAVING A DAGGER STANDING UP IN MY CHEST. I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT BASTARD LORD BUSHWHACKER TWIDDLESTACHE THE UNLIKEABLE DID THIS TO MEEEEEEEE. AND THE BACKS OF ALL HIS DINING ROOM CHAIRS LOOK LIKE DICKS AND BALLS.”

Static-X - Otsego Undead

STATIC X. “OTSEGO UNDEAD” FROM MACHINE.

UN-SEAGULL, UN-SEAGULL, UN-SEAGULL, UN-SEAGULL, GO!

UN-SEAGULL, UN-SEAGULL, UN-SEAGULL, UN-SEAGULL, GO!

0 plays
D&D COMBAT TERMINOLOGY: A DM EXPLAINS THE CALLED SHOT
A CALLED SHOT IS NOT JUST AN ATTACK AGAINST A TARGET, BUT AN ATTACK AGAINST A SPECIFIC PART OF A TARGET. E.G. ABOVE: THE HALF-NAKED JAPANESE LADY IS NOT SIMPLY KICKING THE DIRTY OLD BUSINESSMAN (WHICH WOULD B BE A STRAIGHTFORWARD ATTACK), SHE IS KICKING THE DIRTY OLD BUSINESSMAN IN THE CROTCH. THIS A CALLED SHOT.
DUE TO THE INCREASED DIFFICULTY IN HITTING A SMALL PART OF THE TARGET (INSTEAD OF ANY PART YOU CAN HIT, WHICH IS MUCH EASIER), MOST CALLED SHOTS IMPOSE A -4 PENALTY TO THE ATTACK ROLL. SOME CALLED SHOTS ARE EASIER, SOME MORE DIFFICULT. IN THE ABOVE EXAMPLE, THE HALF-NAKED JAPANESE LADY HAS A STATIONARY TARGET, OVER WHOM SHE HAS SOME CONTROL (SHE IS HOLDING HIM BY THE NECKTIE). THE DIRTY OLD BUSINESSMAN ALSO SEEMS TO BE A WILLING TARGET. I WOULD IMPOSE PERHAPS ONLY A -1 PENALTY TO THE ATTACK ROLL IN THIS INSTANCE.
IF THE DIRTY OLD BUSINESSMAN HAPPENED TO BE DANCING ABOUT ON THE COUCH, DODGING SIDE-TO-SIDE, AND WAVING MILLIONS OF YEN IN THE HALF-NAKED JAPANESE LADY’S FACE, HER ATTEMPT TO KICK HIM IN THE CROTCH WOULD BE MUCH MORE DIFFICULT: A -6 OR EVEN -8 PENALTY TO HER ATTACK ROLL WOULD NOT BE UNJUSTIFIED.
STILL, A NATURAL 20 IS ALWAYS A HIT. AND WITH A CALLED SHOT, A NATURAL 20 CAN (AT THE DM’S DISCRETION) BECOME A DEVASTATING BLOW. THE DIRTY OLD BUSINESSMAN WOULD LIKELY BE INCAPACITATED, AT LEAST FOR A FEW MINUTES, ALLOWING THE HALF-NAKED JAPANESE LADY TO GATHER UP HER BELONGINGS, GET DRESSED, STEAL HIS WALLET AND CLOTHES, AND FLEE, ALL BEFORE HER VICTIM COULD EVEN BEGIN TO STAGGER TO THE WET BAR IN SEARCH OF ICE AND A PLASTIC BAG.
THIS HAS BEEN A LESSON IN THE CALLED SHOT. I HOPE YOU HAVE FOUND IT INFORMATIVE AND ENTERTAINING.

D&D COMBAT TERMINOLOGY: A DM EXPLAINS THE CALLED SHOT

A CALLED SHOT IS NOT JUST AN ATTACK AGAINST A TARGET, BUT AN ATTACK AGAINST A SPECIFIC PART OF A TARGET. E.G. ABOVE: THE HALF-NAKED JAPANESE LADY IS NOT SIMPLY KICKING THE DIRTY OLD BUSINESSMAN (WHICH WOULD B BE A STRAIGHTFORWARD ATTACK), SHE IS KICKING THE DIRTY OLD BUSINESSMAN IN THE CROTCH. THIS A CALLED SHOT.

DUE TO THE INCREASED DIFFICULTY IN HITTING A SMALL PART OF THE TARGET (INSTEAD OF ANY PART YOU CAN HIT, WHICH IS MUCH EASIER), MOST CALLED SHOTS IMPOSE A -4 PENALTY TO THE ATTACK ROLL. SOME CALLED SHOTS ARE EASIER, SOME MORE DIFFICULT. IN THE ABOVE EXAMPLE, THE HALF-NAKED JAPANESE LADY HAS A STATIONARY TARGET, OVER WHOM SHE HAS SOME CONTROL (SHE IS HOLDING HIM BY THE NECKTIE). THE DIRTY OLD BUSINESSMAN ALSO SEEMS TO BE A WILLING TARGET. I WOULD IMPOSE PERHAPS ONLY A -1 PENALTY TO THE ATTACK ROLL IN THIS INSTANCE.

IF THE DIRTY OLD BUSINESSMAN HAPPENED TO BE DANCING ABOUT ON THE COUCH, DODGING SIDE-TO-SIDE, AND WAVING MILLIONS OF YEN IN THE HALF-NAKED JAPANESE LADY’S FACE, HER ATTEMPT TO KICK HIM IN THE CROTCH WOULD BE MUCH MORE DIFFICULT: A -6 OR EVEN -8 PENALTY TO HER ATTACK ROLL WOULD NOT BE UNJUSTIFIED.

STILL, A NATURAL 20 IS ALWAYS A HIT. AND WITH A CALLED SHOT, A NATURAL 20 CAN (AT THE DM’S DISCRETION) BECOME A DEVASTATING BLOW. THE DIRTY OLD BUSINESSMAN WOULD LIKELY BE INCAPACITATED, AT LEAST FOR A FEW MINUTES, ALLOWING THE HALF-NAKED JAPANESE LADY TO GATHER UP HER BELONGINGS, GET DRESSED, STEAL HIS WALLET AND CLOTHES, AND FLEE, ALL BEFORE HER VICTIM COULD EVEN BEGIN TO STAGGER TO THE WET BAR IN SEARCH OF ICE AND A PLASTIC BAG.

THIS HAS BEEN A LESSON IN THE CALLED SHOT. I HOPE YOU HAVE FOUND IT INFORMATIVE AND ENTERTAINING.

(via enzantengyou)

CARRION CRAWLER, OR THE LATEST PRODUCT FROM ADAM & EVE?

CARRION CRAWLER, OR THE LATEST PRODUCT FROM ADAM & EVE?

pixography:

Christopher Ulrich

WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?

pixography:

Christopher Ulrich

WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?

(via gatofather)

MYSTICA LOUISE THE HEAT-TOLERANT MONK SAYS, “CAREFUL…CAREFUL…IT’S JUST LIKE BACK AT THE MARTIAL NUNS ACADEMY…THE FLOOR IS LAVA…THE FLOOR IS LAVA..I WALK ON LAVA…”

MYSTICA LOUISE THE HEAT-TOLERANT MONK SAYS, “CAREFUL…CAREFUL…IT’S JUST LIKE BACK AT THE MARTIAL NUNS ACADEMY…THE FLOOR IS LAVA…THE FLOOR IS LAVA..I WALK ON LAVA…”

LIEUTENANT UNFIRTH THE MOST IMPATIENT OF ALL MID-LEVEL OFFICERS IN THE CITY WATCH SAYS, “GODDAMMIT, SARGEANT, I WANTED MY HORSE MEAT AND FETA SUB ON ASIAGO RASPBERRY MARINADE BREAD! NOT—FUCKING—ROSEMARY—SPICE! TAKE IT BACK TO SUBWAY AND GET MY ORDER RIGHT, OR DON’T COME BACK AT ALL!”

LIEUTENANT UNFIRTH THE MOST IMPATIENT OF ALL MID-LEVEL OFFICERS IN THE CITY WATCH SAYS, “GODDAMMIT, SARGEANT, I WANTED MY HORSE MEAT AND FETA SUB ON ASIAGO RASPBERRY MARINADE BREAD! NOT—FUCKING—ROSEMARY—SPICE! TAKE IT BACK TO SUBWAY AND GET MY ORDER RIGHT, OR DON’T COME BACK AT ALL!”

TOBIAS ROTTERCAP THE FUN-LOVING MUSHROOM MAN SAYS, “OOM-PA LOOM-PA DOOBITY-DOO, WE’RE GONNA SHOOT OUR SPORES AT YOU. OOM-PA LOOM-PA GOBBITY-GEE, IT’S GONNA BURN LIKE HELL WHEN YOU PEE.”

TOBIAS ROTTERCAP THE FUN-LOVING MUSHROOM MAN SAYS, “OOM-PA LOOM-PA DOOBITY-DOO, WE’RE GONNA SHOOT OUR SPORES AT YOU. OOM-PA LOOM-PA GOBBITY-GEE, IT’S GONNA BURN LIKE HELL WHEN YOU PEE.”

HALF THE TIME I’M WONDERING, “WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?” THE OTHER HALF, IT’S “WHY THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT THIS?”

Heavy metal music reviewer, freelance writer. Type I Diabetic. D&D gamer, Dungeon Master 17+ years. Married. Absurd.

WHAT DO I POST?

Mostly Dungeons and Dragons miscellany, heavy metal music, and statements or questions that make little sense.

There is NUDITY on this blog (but not hardcore porn).

BANDS & RECORD LABELS: I write heavy metal music reviews. Put me on your promo lists. Drop me an ask for contact information.

NOTE: Most of the art (especially fantasy art) that I post is not mine. I add captions and other written nonsense to fantasy art in the interest of humor. Usually I do not cite sources. If your art appears here and you wish to be credited as the maker, please let me know.

FURTHER DISCLAIMER: As I said above, you may see or read shit here that you dislike or disagree with. If that's the case, then look away. I do not engage anonymous discourse with anyone. Face me as you are, and I shall do the same. This is a NO-DRAMA zone. I have more than enough drama to deal with every day in real life; I won't tolerate it here. This is a place for laughter, entertainment, and free expression of ideas and opinions, yours and mine alike. If you don't like that, then fuck you.

I accept SUBMISSIONS. What kind? Fantasy art (to lampoon with captions), RPG- and Gaming-related material, funny pictures, nudes and erotic art (as described above), writing...just about anything, within reason. I wield editorial discretion over any submissions.

view archive



Metal

Skullbanger Media

Nonsense D&D Posts

Pinups, Nudes, Pretty Girls

My Favorite B-Movie Queen

The Drizzlin Shits (my D&D game blog)

INTERROGATE ME HERE.

I guess you can submit something. Nobody ever does, but you're welcome to if that's your thing.